Saturday, March 23, 2013

stubborn love

internet venting took a hiatus as i have been growing accustomed to my new city. things have been interesting in the last 8 months, and the ever changing plasticity of my heart and brain have been evolving with stress, financial and professional responsibilities, and the consistent pursuit of happiness and joy in a world in which i always feel a little bit lost. i have been attempting to relearn how to play a balancing act with myself and learning when to say no. this is a hard skill to reteach oneself, especially when living in the "now" is how you strive to be. but sometimes, "now," isn't enough. especially, when tomorrow is more and more expensive and elusive.

i have just recently met the time requirement needed in order to complete my fellowship, and within the next few weeks, i will be taking the next step in my professional evolution, applying for my CCCs. just what i need, something else to pay for, and 3 more letters to add to the credential after my name. every once in a while, i wonder... what am i doing? is this what i want? a zillion dollars in debt, working with disorders i never intended to treat, living in a high rise 2 hours from the mountains, and partaking in those tasty beverages at the bar across the street a little too often?

all i want is to feel a little freer. a little less tied down. a little more adventurous. a little less constricted. a little more responsible. a little more sane. a little lighter. all i want is to love my job, afford my bills and then some, and spend more time on the things that matter. writing, hiking, drawing (i really need to take an art class!!), learning to cook, exercise. everything is so expensive... wish i were more of a homebody! hehe.

despite the ranting, and supposed discontent, i am actually fairly happy. work is picking up, in terms of hours, which is a monetary benefit. and as i mentioned, i'll be getting my CCCs soon (raise??), and then in july i'll have fulfilled my contract, and i'll be free to seek employment outside the confining realms of independence rehab (irony, no?). my lease will be up soon too, and thus there will be the dreaded house/apt search of which to look forward (roommates, anyone!?). and there's recent addition impacting the current state of my optimism and elation... but i'll leave that one alone for now.

as far as my last post, things i want to do... i completed #9... and sorta started #3... but i only went a handful of times (i should see if my membership is still current.

new list of things i need/want to do:
1. do my taxes
2. apply for my CCCs
3. join an art class
4. go veg (again)
5. go back to yoga (yeah #3)
6. buy a vitamix
7. maybe buy a tv
8. go hiking/camping/traveling
9. find a new job
10. find a new house/apt

and just for added measure
11. save money

oh wait,
12. i still need a bike!