Friday, August 16, 2013

considerably lighter

Things have changed quite a lot in the last 5 months. Here is an updated list of things I still need/want to do:

1. join an art class
2. save money (to buy a house)

new additions:

4. take ASL
5. hike more
6. sign up for boxing

All of the other things on my previous list, I have completed! Whoa!

My new job is quite fantastic. The people are wonderful, supportive, interesting, fun, and flexible. The kids are cute, funny, energetic and there is rarely a dull moment during therapy. My hours are consistent, even if the ratio of billable hours to non-billable hours leaves me with a lot of down time. I'm okay with it; I get to put together materials for therapy! Which, I would otherwise not have time to do.

I'm still rocking the single life. But, I'm not fretting about it as much as I have in the past. Awareness of my situation, my reactions, and my approach to dating and potential relationships has been improving. Being aware is the first step. Who knows what will happen...

Saturday, March 23, 2013

stubborn love

internet venting took a hiatus as i have been growing accustomed to my new city. things have been interesting in the last 8 months, and the ever changing plasticity of my heart and brain have been evolving with stress, financial and professional responsibilities, and the consistent pursuit of happiness and joy in a world in which i always feel a little bit lost. i have been attempting to relearn how to play a balancing act with myself and learning when to say no. this is a hard skill to reteach oneself, especially when living in the "now" is how you strive to be. but sometimes, "now," isn't enough. especially, when tomorrow is more and more expensive and elusive.

i have just recently met the time requirement needed in order to complete my fellowship, and within the next few weeks, i will be taking the next step in my professional evolution, applying for my CCCs. just what i need, something else to pay for, and 3 more letters to add to the credential after my name. every once in a while, i wonder... what am i doing? is this what i want? a zillion dollars in debt, working with disorders i never intended to treat, living in a high rise 2 hours from the mountains, and partaking in those tasty beverages at the bar across the street a little too often?

all i want is to feel a little freer. a little less tied down. a little more adventurous. a little less constricted. a little more responsible. a little more sane. a little lighter. all i want is to love my job, afford my bills and then some, and spend more time on the things that matter. writing, hiking, drawing (i really need to take an art class!!), learning to cook, exercise. everything is so expensive... wish i were more of a homebody! hehe.

despite the ranting, and supposed discontent, i am actually fairly happy. work is picking up, in terms of hours, which is a monetary benefit. and as i mentioned, i'll be getting my CCCs soon (raise??), and then in july i'll have fulfilled my contract, and i'll be free to seek employment outside the confining realms of independence rehab (irony, no?). my lease will be up soon too, and thus there will be the dreaded house/apt search of which to look forward (roommates, anyone!?). and there's recent addition impacting the current state of my optimism and elation... but i'll leave that one alone for now.

as far as my last post, things i want to do... i completed #9... and sorta started #3... but i only went a handful of times (i should see if my membership is still current.

new list of things i need/want to do:
1. do my taxes
2. apply for my CCCs
3. join an art class
4. go veg (again)
5. go back to yoga (yeah #3)
6. buy a vitamix
7. maybe buy a tv
8. go hiking/camping/traveling
9. find a new job
10. find a new house/apt

and just for added measure
11. save money

oh wait,
12. i still need a bike!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Things I want to do

1. Shoot guns
2. Join Crossfit
3. Re-join yoga
4. Go kayaking
5. Buy a bike
6. Learn to skate (hah)
7. Learn to rock climb better (double hah) and actually go
8. Visit SLC
9. Decorate/furnish my living room
10. Buy all the therapy and assessment tools I'd ever need

11. Make enough money for 1-10

Saturday, August 4, 2012

My Second Mama

Took the train down to the airport last night and met my aunt on the platform. This is the woman who taught me about independence and responsibility, who gave me the drive to be who I am today. This woman is the epitome of sound mind, intelligence, creativity, and diligence, traits that I strive to embody.

Last night, we had a 3.5 star dinner over a 5 star conversation, where I learned boulder sized nuggets of family information, that had somehow evaded my knowledge these last 28 years. It never ceases to amaze me the complexities and underpinnings of my family history. The Menzie (Kovac) blood is dwindling down with the limited offspring produced in the last 50 years, and with the increasing elderly population, all that will be left are a total of six. It is strange to think that I am the oldest of the current generation, and that if I have children, they will be the first grandchildren and nieces and nephews of this generation. And if I have children, they won't know any of the extended Menzie (Kovac) family.

Off to show off the sites of Seattle to my second mama!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Pioneer day, and I've been in Seattle a month, today

And I don't get this ridiculous Utah holiday off in Washington? No, no I do not. Really for us non-Mormons, it's just another excuse to get drunk an blow shit up. Instead, today I will be getting back on the good girl horse. Today I'm going to the gym, conveniently located in my building. Then I'm going to detox my pain ridden back in the hot tub, conveniently located outside my building. It's about time I start taking better care of myself, and reduce the stress of therapy, productivity, bills, new city lifestyle, and old city homesickness. I've always thrived in routine, but lately my routine consists of work and weeds, work and weeds. And the ever present traffic. Man, I fucking hate traffic. Shoulda listened to my dad about moving back into a big city. Happy 1 month anniversary to Seattle and I. It's a tough relationship, Seattle thwarts my ability to find like minded folk and I thwart Seattle from my social presence. Double edged cliched motherfucking sword.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I thought grad school ended with graduation...?

It's nearly 1am on a Monday night, and I am still awake. Watching a thrilling redbox movie? Reading a Tom Robbins book? Talking on the phone with my best friend? No. I am doing research. SLP research. Looking up any and all information regarding treatment of geriatric patients with zero verbal communication skills. Reading articles and presentations and school books. Writing therapy lesson plan ideas. And feeling like I actually have not graduated. If there is anything my externships taught me, it's that they didn't teach me enough. Well, just not for this patient care setting. I miss Intermountain Outpatient Neuro Rehab and the Voice and Swallowing Center at LDS Hospital. I even miss the University of Utah Speech Language and Hearing Clinic, AND my little kid clients!

Fellow clinicians who may be reading this: feel free to send me any therapy ideas for nonverbal patients with only stereotypies, some gestural expression, and fair comprehension skills.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

the no good very bad horrible terrible day

If you are an SLP, and you haven't worked in a SNF or assisted living facility, with the geriatric patient, and you cry easily, then I highly DO NOT recommend working there. I have never had this experience before, of working with unmotivated patients. No one wants my help (save for one particular voice patient), they physically push me away because they don't have the communication skills to tell me to go away. My productivity SUCKS. I feel like I am sinking into a hole of professional despair.

I miss scheduled therapy visits. A routine. Materials galore. Resources handed to me from supervisors. Patient histories discussed. Full evaluations given. Instrumentation. Guidelines that make sense. Shelves of MATERIALS. Ideas. I miss Intermountain HealthCare. I miss the University of Utah. I'd rather spend my evenings creating my own therapy materials and piecing together therapy ideas from the closet at the school clinic, rather than reading through my school notes for some semblance of a therapy plan idea and then not having any materials to use for the pseudo plan that I come up with.

After being completely ignored by one patient, then told she wanted to go back to sleep by another patient, and then physically pushed by another, I couldn't help but cry. And I couldn't stop crying. I'm not a person who cries at work! I'm a good therapist. I've been praised to no end by my supervisors. I thought working in the school system was hard and disadvantaged, but now, I would definitely choose that over this. And it's only been my 3rd day.

Seattle is proving to be one of the greatest emotional challenges I've faced.